Parenting Never Stops

Quester and I, and quite a few of our friends, practice a type of parenting that is different than that used by many in the generations just prior to us. Call it what you will. Attachment parenting covers it to some extent, though the basic gist of it is respecting your children as you would another adult human being (well, you have to have compassion to begin with, I guess—some people aren't very nice to other adults, either). My Mom was actually ahead of her time in this area. She has always said, “kids are just smaller people,” and they should be treated as such.

This doesn't mean that you aren't playing the role of the parent. When I was a teenager, I babysat for some neighbors who never told their kids “no,” and the two girls ran wild, making life very difficult for the parents. Kids need boundaries, and you are disrespecting them if you don't provide any, just as much as you are if you're arbitrarily strict.

The idea, in my view, is to create a healthy working relationship with your kids. Have fun with them, and also make it clear what rules you want them to live by. Teach them, and learn from them. Correct them when they mess up, then forgive them and move on; gracefully admit it when you're the one in the wrong. Because of your age and experience, you get to make decisions about their lives. But encourage them to make as many choices on their own behalf as possible, so they can learn to choose well.

Something I've learned from colleagues with adult children is that parenting never stops. In this culture, we either look forward to the day when the kids turn 18 and move out, or we lament the “empty nest” when they head off to college or work. But they are still your kids. You'll still worry about them, call them to see how they're doing, probably even loan them money. They'll distance themselves from you to some degree, as part of the natural process of finding out how to be on their own. But they'll draw closer once again, and you'll still be part of each others' lives. At least, ideally.

What I see from the parents of some of my friends, though, is a lack of respect that was probably there from the beginning. They treat their adult children as if they were still kids, meant to be “seen and not heard,” or told what to do. Rather than respecting the wisdom their son or daughter has gained, they instead belittle them, which is probably an old pattern, or take them for granted. This, understandably, makes the kids less likely to want to hang out with them. Some parents even refuse to be part of their adult kids' lives, due to some (imagined or real) slight or insult. What a waste.

What I'm learning from those relationships is how I don't want to treat my kids as they get older. In fact, perhaps the logic behind attachment parenting extends to the lifelong relationship I'll have with my kids. I hope that, together, we're learning how to be a family that can enjoy each other's company, work through our differences of opinion, and continue to love and learn together throughout our lifetimes.

Convenient Conspiracies

I've been reading a novel my brother got me for Christmas, "The Eight" by Katherine Neville. On the front cover, it promises, "readers thrilled by 'The DaVinci Code' will relish the multi-layered secrets of 'The Eight.'" So at first I figured it was a copycat of the Dan Brown book, which was so popular a few years ago. But when I looked at the publication date, it said 1988. So apparently they're just re-marketing it to take advantage of the popularity of the genre.

It's a fun read, a thriller full of famous characters from history, centered around a mystical formula that describes the nature of life, focused on (and hidden in) an ancient chess set. While reading it, though, I began to wonder about why we are so fascinated with books like this, based on puzzles that tie in disparate religious movements, mystical orders such as the Freemasons and the Rosicrucians, famous thinkers throughout history, and well-known works of art. Generally the theory is also somehow related to a life-or-death modern quest for knowledge - "before it's too late!"

I think that we have an innate desire to "make sense of it all," to form some kind of order from the chaotic swirl of human history and civilization. An author who can tie up a lot of loose ends, particularly regarding mythology and mysticism, satisfies that part of us that longs for a cohesive story.

You see this in other arenas, too. There are several religions across the globe which claim to be "the one and only true way." If you faithfully follow their proven beliefs and practices, the reasoning goes, you'll be assured of rewards in the afterlife, or a clean karmic slate, or a peaceful and easy life. All the "loose ends" and questions are tied up, in this case, by the religion's leaders or sacred texts. The believer need not worry about pesky questions or situations not covered by the belief system, for those things are either explained away as they arise, or are reviled as evil, as a temptation to leave the fold, which should be resisted at all costs. This type of religious practice is appealing to many people because of its simplicity and seeming comprehensiveness. They need no longer question the vicissitudes of life, because there is a reason for everything, a reason that fits neatly into the spiritual picture-puzzle.

Among some modern intellectuals, who would claim to be above such simplistic belief in comprehensive explanations, the pull towards conspiracy theories is nonetheless strong. These days, it is seen in the gravitation towards theories regarding the terrorist attacks of 9/11, or the world-dominating plans of the neo-conservatives. Many books are written in which it is "proven" (see the connection here?) that people of power form a conscious network of power-over, which explains everything from foreign wars to the price of milk. Buying into these paranoid theories is easier than accepting that the people in leadership positions are people, like ourselves: some are greedy and selfish, some are well-meaning but deluded, some are kind and smart, and some are full of hatred. Granted, people in power whose motivations are bad can have a wide-reaching harmful effect on millions of others, and they should be accountable for their actions. However, it's just too convenient to believe in a comprehensive "evil plan" that is responsible for all the world's problems.

"But," you might well ask, "doesn't Starcat's own metaphysical study fit into this category?" It's a self-discovered web of practices and spiritual beliefs that enhances my life. However, I feel that there are some significant differences here: first, the study is something that I use as my own collection of personal truths, on my private spiritual path. I'm not imposing it on other people, or insisting that it is objective fact or "the one true way." What works well for me might be a huge mistake for you. Second, I in no way claim to wrap up all the loose ends, or even to know about all of them! And rather than being frightening or disturbing, that is a source of excitement and joy - just think of all of the undiscovered wisdom out there, that I have the potential to learn about! And lastly, the study continually changes as I grow and learn. It is a working model, constantly being created, evaluated, and updated.

Sure, I too have this human need to create some kind of order out of the chaos of life in the multiverse. But I think a healthy dose of balance is applicable - the realization that chaos is also necessary, and provides the spark of inspiration and creativity that can keep us on the path of learning and growing.

Or, perhaps I'm completely wrong. Maybe the Rosicrucians are, at this very moment, deciphering this blog in order to prove I'm a metaphysical troublemaker, a trickster terrorist who must be immediately reported to the Pope! We'll see...

Welcome to the Study

Welcome to Starcat's Study. Come on in. Here, have a pillow to sit on. Tonight we're just sitting around listening to the Counting Crows, contemplating winter, eating vegan pizza (whad'ya mean? of course it tastes good!).

If you've discovered this blog already, you're either JWL (hi J! Thanks for the help getting this set up!) or you stumbled on it by accident. Once I get some real content up, I'll spread the word.

What's it about? Well, I'm a big-time journal writer. I mean, real journals, on paper, with luscious fabric covers, written in groovy gel pens and decorated with doodles. So, I figured I'd share some of my random thoughts with you. It's also a way to give back, since there are a few cool blogs that I enjoy reading regularly (see the links on the side, once I figure out how to get them there...).

I've been doing what I call "The Study" for quite a long time now. Basically checking out what others have written about various metaphysical subjects, and applying it to my life to see how it works for me. And of course, coming up with my own techniques and practices along the way. It's fun. I'm a Virgo, so this type of semi-scholarly stuff draws me right in. I plan to share some of my findings with you in future posts. Hope you enjoy it, and maybe even learn something new.

Get comfy, grab a book from one of the shelves (we can light some more candles in here if you want). Blessed Be!

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